Bah.

Well, it's halfway through week two here in Hilary Term, and I am finally finding time to write.

I could tell you all about my hectic and stressful winter break at home, or last week's excursion to see ENRON, or the awesome new people I've met, or even the sweet lectures I've had. Instead, I want to discuss my first tutorial of the term and the drama that preceded it.

Basically, it was my worst tutorial yet. David, my major tutor, told me it was the worst paper I had ever written for him. My usual writing level had fallen and I seemed utterly confused. There was not a strong introduction or conclusion. PLUS, I had missed a key point in the paper. Ugh. Super fail.

The first Wednesday of “not” week, I met with David about the coming tutorial. I had him last term for my major tutorial, so I wasn't really nervous. I knew what to expect. However, the topic was completely out of my comfort level. He wanted me to define different styles in the Classical era, as well as discussing arguments surrounding sonata form, and to analyze a sonata by Haydn. All these things seem so simple on paper. However, it are these “basic principles” that I have never had in class. I've never had general music history, and as a result, I always get super nervous when things are discussed or asked of me. I know it is my weakness. Already my paper was headed for disaster.

THEN, I wake up two days later, on Friday, and discover my computer had eaten itself while I was asleep. It had restarted, promptly froze, and then after a nice hard reboot, it would not go to the login screen. A plain white arrow on a plain black screen was all I got after Dell welcomed me. And it would just sit there. And sit there. And sit there. Faced with a terrible decision, I knew what had to be done: a reformat. Only, my windows CDs were 3000 miles away in good ol' KC. Thank god for moms who will mail packages to you under short notice.

Only, that package did not come til last Monday; ten days after it was sent. Ugh.

Needless to say, the lack of computer threw me off completely (even though my kind, dear housemate let me use hers for the week, since she had a spare). Not being able to do MY work on MY computer under MY conditions was extremely frustrating. It completely through my whole mentality off, and I am pretty sure it contributed to my epic fail of a paper.

However, I cannot place blame solely on my computer. I can only place blame upon myself. Over the last week since the tutorial, I have come to realize why that paper was the worst paper I had ever written, especially while here. I completely and utterly psyched myself out. All I could think about was how I didn't know the topic, about how my comrades were so much better than me at it, and how everyone seemed to be smarter and catch on faster than me. I read and I read, but nothing seemed to be coming together how I wanted it. In the end, I kind of gave up. I was too worried about what other people were doing, or how they might be viewing me, that I did not even TRY to understand anything. Well, I did try, but not to the level that I know I can do. Not to the level I SHOULD do, all the time.

This idea does not just pertain to papers and school, either. In some aspects of my life, I need to just be confident. And, if I cannot BE confident, I have to PRETEND to be confident. I need to not worry about others (in some instances) and just worry about myself. One of my whole goals with this study abroad was to mature. For the past few years, I had been avoiding being an adult. But the time is approaching where I will be forced into many adult things, and I need to prepare. This admission of my giving up is just one small step. It just sucks that I had to present a terrible paper to come to this point. Ha.


Things I am currently missing/craving: Joshua, my cats, all of my precious files...

Things that have been acquired: MD have been conquered for this term!, one step on the ladder to “maturity”